The Blueberry Pastry tier list
Blueberries have been an important fruit / berry in my life. It has made its impact in many different ways and it’s an important thing for me personally because of that. So sometimes, as I am out and about in the world, I will hear some pure vile bullshit as people underrate blueberries in comparison with other berries, or worse yet, they prefer non-blueberry pastries to blueberry related pastries.
Now this article may create some discussion in my family. It may even tear it apart from within as I discuss something so revered and special to all our hearts and come with a conclusion that may shatter the very being of my father.
Being Finnish, there is a lot of blueberries around. Fields and fields of blueberries for cultivation but even wild blueberry bushes populating the forest floor in the wilderness allowing you to grab a quick snack at a moments notice. It was an activity that was backbreaking (quite literally, you are bending over to pick these things and it hurts) but was fruitful (pun intended) in its gains. I recall fondly upon memories of going to my grandparents summerhouse out in the Finnish countryside. Warm summer days by the water, waddling through the fields of wild bushes under the trees, getting bit my mosquitos all in the goal of creating a singular homemade blueberry pie. Oh the things I would do to return to that singular moment in time, that first bite of the pie after working for it. Quite literally the fruits of my labour.
While my father is not Finnish, he somehow got the blueberry gene. And he got it bad. I recall hearing the story of how my parents met. They met at work and were archenemies, constantly butting heads. But one day, my grandmother had come to visit my mother and brought a homemade blueberry pie which my mom brought to the office. And the rest is history.
I mean thats not how it happened at all, but I like it to imagine it that way.
There is an elephant in the room I must address before diving in further. The Danish.
I am half Danish and half Finnish. You’d think that with my pure civic nationalism burning up a passion of a thousand winds I would put the Blueberry Danish at the top of the tier list. But I have piece of news that may be shocking to you. In Denmark, a Danish is called Wienerbrød (Hehe, wiener) which means Vienna bread. Infact, the Danish was brought to denmark by Austrian Bakers. And to hear people around the world say that a Danish is a danish pastry hurts me. There are much better pastries out there (tebirkes ftw) but this is not a general pastry tier list. It’s a blueberry pastry tier list.
5 - Blueberry Pancakes
The blueberry pancake is a classic staple. Now, the controversy in my list does not stop with the history of the Vienna Bread, nor whether or not my father was tricked into a marriage using sweet delicious blueberry treats. It continues right now.
Blueberry pancakes must always refer to regular pancakes WITH blueberries on the side. NOT BLUEBERRIES WITHIN THE PANCAKE ITSELF. I am not a fan of that. There is meant to be an Unami, a juxtaposition of flavours and temperatures within the blueberry pancake that cooked blueberries cannot provide. I know, it’s sacrilegious for me to suggest that, especially considering the contents of the rest of the list, but it is so.
My father, the man with the plan, has probably the best pancakes in the world. It’s been determined by years of data collecting and taste testing amongst a variety of individuals from around the world. And yet, you americans reading this will be thinking of an American pancake. Controversy two. The American pancake is more of a cake than a pancake and therefore is disqualified.
So yes, the picture. The title. All wrong. In reality, in number 5 of my 5 spot tier list, we have the crepe with blueberries on the side. Deal with it.
4 - Blueberry Poptart
The shock and awe campaign will continue. Because when I said blueberry pop tart, you immediately thought of the prepackaged poptarts that litter the shelves of the American section at the nearby supermarkets. And yet, I do not refer to that.
I think pop tarts made fresh and homemade are better. I mean that can be said for a lot of different pastries. I mean there is another danish pastry called a hindbærsnitte. It’s a raspberry pop tart in practice and is common place in danish pastries and a fan favourite amongst elementary school children and adults who write articles on blueberries.
If you have ever had one of those, imagine one of those but with blueberries. It is a banger. It is agile, easy to eat on the go. Has a good mix of textures and appearance. It really is a sweet treat for the ages.
3 - Blueberry Crumble
Blueberry Crumble. I had an internal dilemma here. I am a texture man. I love a balance of texture in my food. A soup is delicious but a soup with a little bit of croutons? Fantastic. Chefs kiss.
So imagine my brain near to explode as I consider the position of a crumble and a pie. A pie is a classic. I have nostalgic memories. I have family peer pressure to put this near the top of the list. And yet I struggle with its placement.
The blueberry crumble provides all the best flavours of a blueberry pie but with the texture balance that god dreams of. When people say “balance in all things” as the timeless philosophical prompt it is, they refer to the blueberry crumble.
2 - Blueberry Pie
And yet, even as I glaze a blueberry crumble, it has its faults that can only be solved within the warm loving grasp of a blueberry pie. The pie comes with exploration. The gooey middle pared with the firmness of the edges. The tantalising crust ever so crispy to provide you with a balance of both texture and density. If man was truly free, you’d see blueberry pies gooped up with peoples hands, balancing exact flavours and texture based on the requirements of your mouth feel in that exact moment.
And you cannot deny the nostalgia. I mean, I know this nostalgia is mine and mine alone which goes against the concept of a one true tier list for all of humanity. But you must recognize that the sentimental value of one thing is greater for one than the other. You may have a family heirloom with a monetary value of 1 dollar, that I do not care for. But I acknowledge that the price and value of that heirloom is greater than 1 dollar.
now imagine that the sentimental value puts it at a monetary value of 100 trillion US dollars. A single nostalgic memory of a pie enough to crash the entire financial market. Therefore, my word is law.
1 - Blueberry Muffin
Yet again, a shock. I mean probably not a shock granted you could see that I put the pie at a position of second on this tier list. A truly controversial placement I know, granted the value of the nostalgia but there is just something special about a blueberry muffin.
A muffin comes with the texture, the flavour and variety that a pie provides. It has the crispy top. It has the gooey center. IT has the dense bottom. But where it prevails over our fan favourite blueberry pie is within the portability of it. I cannot get a blueberry pie on the go. I cannot walk with a slice of blueberry pie to my next meeting and scoff it down.
but a blueberry muffin? It is the representation of god on earth.
its a rainy day. You just failed a math test and you are now walking in the rain. As you approach the train station, you decide to provide yourself with a momentary escape. A sweet release you may say. And as you peruse the aisle of your local coffee shop or 711, there you spot it. Glowing. Shining. A pure aura of perfection, gleaming from behind the glass protection. You think to yourself, is the glass there to protect you from it or it from you?
To Conclude
In this time of fake news, uncertainty and difference in opinions, I really just wanted to come here and provide an outright facts. There are many facts in life that we cannot refuse. Oxygen is required for us to survive. Birds aren’t real. New Zealand doesn’t exist and Portugal is a part of Eastern Europe.
yet the most important and well established truth that the world cannot deny is the fact the blueberry muffins is a global treasure. It is a piece of heavenly divinity amongst man. Inshallah.